.

insufficiently awkward.

...

I feel this ache in the pit of my stomach and I try my best never to lurch forward

so then I'm left with this uncomfortable silence as I slowly process my surroundings.

My heart beats triple its normal rate and it only happens when shes around...

that's when the pain stops...

and I'm slowly realizing that its going to be like that for the next few months...

i guess I'll have to wait it out...

Scribbled Scrabbled Words Too Scrambled To Recognize

My eyes are not ocean blue and my hair doesn't fall down the small of my back. I don't wear contacts or any other removable to make me feels such. I try. I try to walk tall on the days I feel small and smile when my feet blister burn and ache as of I've lived too long and walked miles longer than millions. I am not perfect and neither is anyone I associate myself with. Level headed? Not at all times. By we try.

Secrets are not kept between walls thinner than water...when we were joined at hips length.

Connected , injected into veins streaming parallel like the perfect stitch of a seamstress' dream.

Singing in harmonies to emotional to comprehend but then again the good things have ends.

Never sweet tasting longer after wounds opened and festered at ignorance's door.

gaping

time declines decreases ceases to exist. running back in traffics mind too fine like an angel's hair to look back again.

No reality checked belled and propered , propped against old memories and tattered clothes.

my eyes are not ocean blue and my hair doesn't fall down the small of my back.

my memories etch wings into my latter mind deep too deep to ignore sounds of wishes

begging to be released and freed through open doors.

My eyes are not ocean blue and my hair does not fall down the small of my back.

I do not try to restrain myself, but i am civilized and mature enough to say i am wrong.

bewildered bewitched and begiulded. Too angry to contemplate what waits to weighed?

Lines too long to play and time ticks to fast to be delayed.

Never enough ? Never Okay.

Well Ive had troubles deep in waters too dark

blood ran too thick down thighs too weak as I stand ground to face days awake and aware

than maybe one day life could be like water fights bursting with laughs, swings set chains jumping so fast

bells ringing 20 seconds in between that last real class in life.

Ive heard of lies too biter to try to care but i did, to even care weather my eyes were ocean blue and my hair fell to the small of my back to please anyone. I have thighs to thick to give in to winds too weak...waver to the "wave"? I think not.

I have beams to bold to break...friends and families to strong with issues too fixable too stress... so its suggested you never say im too high and mighty.I am mature at a pace too moderate to tolerate the bullshit.

A memory full

It takes a lot for someone to just want to give up just as it takes a lot for one to keep going. Its a constant battle to forgive and an even larger one to forget all of those who have wronged you in the past.

Like fire and rain rushed into a mixture my memories steam with sadness

dragging me tugging hard at all I've built

Build me quick I promise I wont break..its what Ive promised my heart.

Its time that I wont get back.

Young as the other two watched, in shock not knowing what to do, how to feel.

We were family, cousins and know I can't own up to my part of being where I was.

I feel like I walked into that room with an invitation plastered to my chest.

I cant remember the day or the time, what I wore I just see their faces.

Tears cannot frequent this face

I am sick

in all sense of the word

and now i think back to when it all happened.

I die slowly, touching the ground carefully because after the minute began with that memory the world turned cold like my mothers icy stare at all of those who sat relaxed on the 1 floor of that house.

I have gone back, with a smile to say that I am okay, that I don't remember a thing... but I do, i feel that cry for help as my pursed lips and wide eyes watched him watch me them who watched me helpless. I was raped, and I knew them, they were family.

With the old sense of the word.

Mother who held me close, wiped my tired eyes and tears, prayed that I lived to see my first birthday.

I know now why you are how you are, strong enough to move mountains despite the backward bending shape you sport panting as if you ran the distance when mentally you do it each time for all of us.

Siblings who I feel love for no matter what even with the nagging tones of playing in my ear.

Father who comforts the evening pain with a smile. Uncle who makes a smile appear with the smallest gesture.

Aunts who have saughtit all through thick thin and height.

Grandmother, so great , so loving, so kind, so beautiful, so giving, and of her last and all.

Friends who make the good times last beyond the means of experience.

Love of my life who continues to do what she does day in and out, balanced my mind like beams of a building, grand love like the canyon deep, consistant like the falls of niagra. Hold me effortlessly as my pursed liips and wide eyes watch you all watch me. I am safe. Secure. Build me.

Build me quick, I promise I wont break...I told my heart but my mind is in shambles.

And she is there to clean up all the messes that my small past has wound up tight and let spill like winds of a tornado, I am weathered, stormed with confusion and she makes the sky clear,possibly without knowing its what she does.

The calm

I love looking at her, face to face , and when she isnt around in memory.


She is flawless, what one may think are her flaws are part of what makes me love her more. The way her hair falls when straightened ...and bounce in curls, the tip of her nose, the shape of her ears, her almond shaped eyes, a body fit for her amazing stature,her perfectly set lips...skin as soft as cotton, which comfort me in the middle of the night as I grace her heated arms. She will tell you shes wasting away...but I see her growing more and more as every minute goes by.


Her secret is not her own, because it needs not be. Nor does the burden of letting those she cares so much for know. She is amazing in how she cares so much. The way she anticipates the reactions of others. Hell bent on making another feel comfort. Watching her dance across tiled floors... shes my angel. I want nothing more to see her fly.


I find comfort in knowing that we dream...and we dream together.


When I am weak she is strong. She wipes my tears before they fall and shes the voice I play over in my head to make it through any given situation.





She is the wind beneath my wings... my all. She deserves the best, and I will do what I can to provide what it is she needs. For better or for worst, sickness and in health. The calm and the storm , I promise to give my all , no limitations, I will know nothing more.

October 29 2008.

Ripped Pages and Red Ink

SAVE me from what I want - St. Vincent

(currently playing)

Lets place our dreams on the highest peak.

For all the world to see.

For all of the world to fight for...

maybe it did not belong to you in the first place to ever even claim.

Save me from what I want

or the effort to succeed will forever slip through the cracks of a note book filled with desire and desperation.

An "A" for effort...the bullshit excuse a mother tells her child in some scripted television show.

Dreaming is overrated and reality is a shit whole.

Bring on the work load ill show you how hard it is to try not to fail.