Ripped Pages and Red Ink

SAVE me from what I want - St. Vincent

(currently playing)

Lets place our dreams on the highest peak.

For all the world to see.

For all of the world to fight for...

maybe it did not belong to you in the first place to ever even claim.

Save me from what I want

or the effort to succeed will forever slip through the cracks of a note book filled with desire and desperation.

An "A" for effort...the bullshit excuse a mother tells her child in some scripted television show.

Dreaming is overrated and reality is a shit whole.

Bring on the work load ill show you how hard it is to try not to fail.

To That Anonymous Voice...

I STARE AT YOUR MOVEMENT... OR LACK THERE OF...
AND I WAIT...
I WAIT FOR YOU TO INSPIRE ME TO STAY...BUT YOU NEVER DO
SO I PUSH...
I PUSH THAT GIRL FAR WITH EMOTION AND A HEART OF GOLD
BRIBE...I BRIBE HER...I BRIBE HER TO STAY AND I WAIT...
I WAIT FOR YOU TO INSPIRE ME TO SMILE IN YOUR PRESENCE...
AS IF THERE WERE NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT...
BUT THERE IS THE PAST... AND THERE IS NOW...
MEMORY...MEMORY OF YOU...NEVER...AND NEVER DARES TO FADE...
SO I AM STUCK...I AM STUCK STARING AT YOUR MOVEMENT...
OR LACK THERE OF ... AND I WAIT
I WAIT TI TRULY UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS...
THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME ONLY TO DRAG ME THROUGH ENDLESS YEARS IN THE REFLECTION OF YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT
I WAIT...FOR THE YELLING TO CEASE...THE SILENCE TO TURN INTO LAUGHTER
I WAIT FOR YOU TO MOVE...
I WAIT FOR YOU TO NUTURE...
I SYARE AT YOUR MOVEMENT... OR LACK THERE OF...
I WAIT FOR MY TIME TO RUN...IN FEAR THAT A FLAME WILL CEASE TO FLICKER AND I WILL HAVE WIAHED I HAD NEVER WAITED....
YOU DO NOT MOVE....BUT YOU SPEAK
SPEAK WITH ANGER...
LIKE RAPID TEARS ON SILK SKIN CLOUDED EYES NEVER CLEAR
...AND I WAIT...TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.

Two years and a 1 month

(btw i love this pic )

You are the ONLY thing that makes sense to me in this present time.

I wake up to the most beautiful woman god has every put his time into making.

Little to say, so much to feel...

Two years and one month... & I Love You will all i am, you are the ONLY one.

dance to rhythmless music in circles...

It will never change ...the beat of the song, only because it has no sound. It has no sound yet you can see mouths forming shapes of anger and you can feel the pain in their eyes... but the dance to the rhythmless music makes you think in circles... ill move in circles. I will move in circles in this 3 bedroom apartment, with the 1 1/2 bathroom kitchen and living room area....i will dance. Dance like i have nothing to care for, when i do. It is better to laugh than cry.
In nightmares the people dance in backward cirlces... dancing to rhythmless music in backwards circles... and then fear appears, the emotion changes...or enhances. in circular motion the dancers on this nightmare go about their days... I am standing still.

I find it hard to come to terms with the environment I live in. I grew up here and I hate it. The air nips at my skin like tiny sharks and my eyes are wide open as I dance to the silence music in circles of disbeliefs.

It is better to prevent than remedy....now nothing can be touched.

I cant say what I dont know

Ive sat a long time with a blank expression on my face,
just because I cant say what it is I feel or even felt.
The hours have dragged in the past day
and I have nothing I want to do more than lay still and wait for the moments to wash by.
Why won't they leave ?
& I cant lie to say its over because I know it isn't.
I cant say what I don't know
not because I don't want to but because i cant understand.
I cant undersIand how it is that this wall i built broke so quick then and how the hell its been building and self destructing...
all on its own...and I have no control
or do I?
I cant say what I don't know...

just something to speak for some of my thoughts

My mind will race...
my body will move...
and my heart will beat with her name across it.


I cant seem to find words at this time of the day even if i feel like ive got so much to say...and i didnt mean for that to rhyme whatsoever.


9.20.2010 4:18am

No Motive

It isnt a mood i can describe.
It isnt one you can really see, its just there.
It has already chewed at the stitch of the perfectful fitting jeans ,
eaten me up from the bottom to the top of what I can call a conscience.
It wont speak.
we dont speak.
But when we do...
all I find myslef doing is crying.
But thats invisible too.
I used imaginary tissues and my own shoulder.
But there aren't two of me.
there is only one, taped to a pole to stay upright with my head in the foward direction.
there is only one me, standing in what could be my end.
I will scream to that empty room...
never even hoping to be heard.

I will be invisible.
No trouble at all.
and the greatest part for you will be...
that I never defended myself, because IT being me had no reason to be.
I had no motive to even breathe.

5 senseless senses

step from beyond the veil...
to see nothing real
to touch fire
to smell the unmistakeable stench of emptiness
to hear the screams of a help once cried
to taste what is ; what isn't.

five senseless senses
and your life lingers upon an earth floor
inbetween the right and wrong.
they dont exsist.
they will never exsist.


anger.
joy.
pain.
pride.
proof of exsistance ?
emotion.

remove the daggers from where it hurts the most,
and stand just to fall again.
stand close to the edge of a faulty cliff,
just to feel the danger, if only it were thrill you seeked...
no answers there.

thoughts.
thinking.
verbally mishaps.
wants.
needs.

needless to say nothings the same.
reaching deep.
just because you know theres change.
coming up empty handed.
breathing feels strange.

hope just flew away...
lost those five senseless senses.
now all you can do is just wait.

closed curtains and practiced lines...

Not so sure this worth it...writing it down and all; outdated , its been held in for way too long.
It seems like yesterday when i knew nothing more than speaking what was on my mind
today its behind a thick line of pain and confusion
...thunder storms;raining..damaging winds; tantrums; let alone the fears.
Fears that just seem to manufacture themselves...
and I cant place it on my heart, should it even deserve a feeling?
I could hate until blue in the face and love till my last move...
looks like I'm doing it in a mirror; I'm watching myself make the wrong move
and for a moment I trust this image
for a moment I cant look away,but ill cry if i do.
The last time I let myself come to tears I ended up being stood up proved wrong.
Almost like a slap in the face.
Its behind a thick line of pain and confusion...
and thinking of how much I care for this one girl; remembering her smile seems to do the trick until I notice the...the blank space. its grey and motionless;but i do love
and i do...hate that curtain and those practiced lines; and I'll just keep taking pictures ...
pictures that paint smiles and hide anger. & ill keep loving this one girl ... she reminds me of happiness and ill sit here with my anger pain and confusion until I see her again.

I salvaged emotion form the last mental to blow and turned it into hope, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow. no expectations...and for some reason I'm glad i made it through today but i know its worst for someone else. Its nothing more than life itself taking course i would guess I'm just busy pouting upon its equation...

For you...

In five days; 15 months will have gone by since 7:44 pm. october 29th 2008; in our eyes we have already made two years. In my eyes you... words could not express this feeling. my heart sinks and at the same time skips a beat; my hands get tight and i feel anxious and all i want to do is yell to the world how much i love you, i just can not find the words. I stated that already. If I may be so bold to try. . . You have eyes that compliment the sun rise; if not already stealing its shine. A heart big enough to cherish; fragile enough never to let go. The physical gives glory to that of which bares your soul. An aura that glows much more flourescent than any flower on a summer day. Words that blow wind into the hollow frame of my mind. You fill me up. You hold my world in your hands & I would have it no other way. Others will search for what it is we have; and i hope they find it; if not close. Like words to mind you complete my thoughts; mind body and soul you have me whole; my undivided attention & you always will. Love seems to be what you make it; making life worth while. I expect nothing further; when you have given all that I need and could ever want . 102908.

wow its been a while. . .

Its been 7 months since Ive actually written anything on this; not that it really matters; the only people i have on here are stacy, and my baby (hey guys; even if you guys probably dnt sign in) oh and tht guy that i dont know; hey budd.

LML <--- not really; modern day LOL? i guess,

So... ive finally reached my senior year. && I have been waiting for this year since i got into elemaentary; not just becausse i wanted to leave home but because it was tormenting... learned alot over the years.

im currently playing pursuit of happiness by kid cudi... i like the chorus :)

...well im pretty sure perfect strangers are going to see this... hey guys;girls; gays;kiddos; blacks;whites;blues; greens;w.evs.

i noticed within the last week that change will take place whether or not we or any individual can handle it. && ive changed. i like it for the most part. Adapting ?
For the better i hope; the world doesnt have to move with me so its not a big thing to me.

I have noticed that others cant stand to see you happy; and I can say that factually because i used to be one of those people. sad huh ? well yea; so anyway; im on the " pursuit of happiness" and the road hasnt been bad.
I wouldnt say im stressed about it at all because it motivated me alot more; and i can not wait to reach my goal whatevr it may be to embark on another...
well invisible listeners, i shall depart.